in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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