my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
