it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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