Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
