when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
