I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
