Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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