Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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