he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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