He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
