Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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