If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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