Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
