so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
