It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
