I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
