My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
