you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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