He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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