My nipple is on Facebook.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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