I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
