At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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