I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
