You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
