Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
