she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
