I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
