My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
