THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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