I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
