so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
