my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
