i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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