Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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