We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
