Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
