Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
