ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can't talk, ducks in the car
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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