You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
