So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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