yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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