His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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