I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
