at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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