My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
