I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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