cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it glows. i had to have it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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