I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
