I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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