I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
