It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
