You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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