thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
